Minnesota officially hands the starting job to Murray, leaving McCarthy on the other side of the classroom wondering how the new kid ended up stealing his girl.

J.J. McCarthy really should have picked a different analogy.

Back in May, when reporters asked the Minnesota Vikings quarterback about his relationship with newly arrived Kyler Murray, McCarthy explained that the two were basically like a couple of guys in high school.

“He sits on one side, I sit on the other side,” McCarthy said, describing the quarterback room.

Perfectly normal.

Nothing awkward here.

Just two dudes sitting on opposite sides of the classroom, competing for the same position, definitely not looking over every five minutes to see which one Kevin O’Connell is making eye contact with.

Well, school is apparently back in session, and things have gone poorly for J.J.

Because on Tuesday, the Vikings officially named Murray their starting quarterback.

Kyler didn’t just move his desk to the front of the classroom.

He made varsity.

He got invited to the cool kids’ table.

And at this point, somebody might want to check the parking lot, because there’s a pretty good chance J.J.’s girlfriend is out there leaning against Kyler’s car wearing his letterman jacket and telling him what color dress she’s wearing to prom.

Metaphorically, people.

We cannot stress that enough.

Cheap Seat Chirp has uncovered no evidence that Kyler Murray has actually stolen J.J. McCarthy’s girlfriend.

His job, however?

Yeah. That motherfucker is gone.

And the brutal part is that this wasn’t exactly the football equivalent of Rocky Balboa knocking out Apollo Creed.

Murray entered training camp as the overwhelming favorite after signing a one-year, $1.3 million contract with Minnesota following his release from Arizona. The Cardinals are still on the hook for $35.5 million, meaning Minnesota essentially found a former No. 1 overall pick in the NFL’s clearance aisle.

McCarthy needed to make the Vikings seriously reconsider the obvious choice.

Instead, Murray apparently spent the last few days trying to give him every opportunity.

Murray threw two interceptions during Sunday’s full-pads stadium practice and had reportedly struggled in recent practices.

This was it.

J.J.’s moment.

Teacher left the answer key sitting face-up on the desk.

Prom queen just announced she was single.

Starting quarterback threw two picks and practically slid the keys to the offense across the table.

And McCarthy still couldn’t close the deal.

That’s the part that should concern Vikings fans far more than Murray winning the competition.

Minnesota didn’t necessarily watch Kyler Murray storm through training camp like prime Peyton Manning and conclude there was simply no denying the man.

They watched Murray wobble down the stretch, looked over at McCarthy and apparently said:

“Yeah… still Kyler.”

That is fucking devastating.

McCarthy’s NFL story has already been an exercise in getting punched in the dick by timing.

Minnesota traded up to select him 10th overall in the 2024 NFL Draft. Then he tore the meniscus in his right knee and lost his entire rookie season.

He finally got his opportunity in 2025, started 10 games and went 6-4.

Not terrible.

Unfortunately, quarterbacks aren’t graded like Little League players where everybody gets orange slices afterward because they tried hard.

McCarthy struggled with injuries, accuracy and decision-making badly enough that O’Connell decided the quarterback room needed some “competition.”

And whenever your employer brings in another guy to provide “competition,” that’s corporate language for:

“We haven’t fired you, but we’d like you to meet Steve.”

Except Steve in this case was Kyler Murray, a former No. 1 overall draft pick, NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year and two-time Pro Bowler with 87 career starts.

So maybe the high-school analogy was more accurate than McCarthy realized.

J.J. was the kid who’d been attending the school for years.

Kyler transferred in halfway through the semester.

At first everybody told J.J. not to worry.

“He’s just another student.”

Then Kyler made the football team.

Then he became starting quarterback.

Then J.J.’s friends started sitting at Kyler’s lunch table.

Now J.J. is standing outside the gymnasium holding a corsage while Kyler and his date disappear into a rented limo.

And Kevin O’Connell is apparently the principal telling him this experience will build character.

The Vikings will now give Murray the first-team offense full time for roughly a month before Minnesota opens the regular season Sept. 13 against the Green Bay Packers.

For Murray, it’s one hell of an opportunity.

His seven-year run in Arizona included plenty of flashes of the talent that made him the first overall pick in 2019, but injuries derailed two of his last three seasons. Minnesota now gives him a chance to resurrect his career in an offense that has already done wonders for quarterbacks.

Kirk Cousins turned his Minnesota run into a four-year, $180 million contract with Atlanta.

Sam Darnold turned his Vikings resurrection into a three-year, $100.5 million deal with Seattle and eventually a Super Bowl championship.

If Murray has a big year, he could be next.

His contract even prevents Minnesota from using the franchise tag on him in 2027.

So Kyler Murray could potentially walk into Minnesota for $1.3 million, take J.J. McCarthy’s starting job, rejuvenate his career, throw to one of the best receivers in football and walk out next spring with a gigantic contract.

At that point, don’t even bother checking on J.J.

The metaphor will have gone too far.

Kyler will have graduated valedictorian, married the prom queen, taken over J.J.’s dad’s dealership and moved into the house J.J. grew up in.

Meanwhile, McCarthy is only 23 years old, so declaring his NFL career dead would be ridiculous. He is actually younger than plenty of quarterbacks entering the league.

There is still time.

There is still talent.

There could still be another opportunity.

But barring an injury to Murray, there isn’t an obvious path back to QB1 in Minnesota right now.

Which brings us back to that classroom.

McCarthy said in May that Murray sat on one side and he sat on the other.

Turns out he was right.

The only difference is that when the teacher finally handed back the test Tuesday, Kyler got QB1 written across the top of his.

J.J. got a note asking him to stay after class.

And somewhere in Minnesota, metaphorical prom tickets are already being printed.